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COPING : ASHLY'S STORY PT 2

Writer's picture: Brandy MenefeeBrandy Menefee

A MENTAL HEALTH STORYTELLING SERIES



“Once it got to a point where me and my boyfriend both realized our situation was not conducive to a healthy relationship, I put up a wall and was mean across the board.

 

And after I put up a wall, I don't know how to take it down. I feel like that's how my dad is, and my dad is where I get most of my anger issues from.

 

My dad used to beat the shit out of me. If I didn't know a math problem, he was punching me in the face. When I had sex for the first time, punched me in the face – breaking my eyeglasses. These are not acceptable things to do.

 

With my dad, there used to be no ‘sad.’ There was only ever one emotion: anger. Whenever something was sad to him, or shocking or upsetting or frustrating, he just did not have the tools for the situation – his only reaction used to be yelling, screaming, cussing or violence. Those are the only ways that things were dealt with. And that is how I have behaved my entire life, too.

 

My younger sister’s favorite thing to tell me is, ‘You're just like your dad.’ And I used to respond with, ‘I'd rather be like MY dad than YOURS.’

 

Which it's not nice. But what she’s really saying is: ‘You make me feel like shit because of the way you treat me.’

 

And I really felt the weight of that when I was trying to help my other sister – my baby sister – with her homework. All of a sudden I'm yelling at her, and she's crying, and now she thinks she's stupid, and now it’s so painful for her to do her homework.

 

That took me back – like déjà vu – to when my dad would yell or hit me because I didn't understand how to do math.

 

My mom called me a couple weeks ago and told me that my baby sister said, ‘Ashly is always in a bad mood and it makes me sad.’ My mom tried to explain to her, ‘Well you know, Ashly is busy, she has all this stuff going on, it's not you.’ But the reasons don’t matter to my baby sister – she’s only 10 years old.

 

That really broke my heart. It really, really, really hurt my feelings that I hurt HER feelings.


To realize that I've made people I know and love feel like shit – that scares me.

So I decided to invest in my growth, so I never do that to someone else again. Especially not someone I love or care about.”

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