A MENTAL HEALTH STORYTELLING SERIES
“Anger has been my biggest problem my whole life. When I'm stressed out, I yell, I scream, I throw things, and I hit things.
It goes back to my childhood. Everybody in my family only communicates in yells. In our two-story house, when the food was done, my Pappy would be screaming from the kitchen all the way to the top floor: ‘FOOOOD!!!’
We’re a loud family, and we all have sailors’ tongues. Even if we’re happy, it’s still, ‘You mutherfucker! Bitch this, bitch that!’ It’s my mom, my dad, my grandparents, everyone.
Anger's not a coping mechanism, but it’s been mine. For example, with my ex, if there was any disagreement, any argument, any ANYthing that didn't work for me, I just exploded. One time we got into a big argument, he came over the next day, and brought me an Edible Arrangement. And then we got into another argument, and I threw the Edible Arrangement down the staircase at him. It broke into pieces and there was fruit everywhere.
I've gotten into a lot of physical fights in my life. I don't want to do that. I hit back, and I don't want to hit back. The last time I got into a physical altercation with someone other than my family was when I was in law school. Many friends and family members have even said they're scared of me, or scared to tell me things, or have to ‘walk on eggshells.’
Earlier this year, someone asked me, ‘What's the most toxic thing that you've done in a relationship?’
My answer was ‘Putting my hand on my partner.’ I hit him because he hit me, but it doesn't matter. I hit him in the face and that's not okay. Whether he hit me or choked me, I should not have put my hands on him.
I don’t care if it’s my sister, my boyfriend, my brother, or whoever – the fact that I have been almost programmed to react with anger and violence is unacceptable. And then that makes me angry too. Because why am I so angry?”
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