A MENTAL HEALTH STORYTELLING SERIES
“I hate the way that Matthew died, and I have a lot of anger. But it wouldn't have mattered if he died that day, or a year later, or two years later. It would still fucking hurt. Even if I had known his death was coming, I still could not have anticipated how life would feel without him.
I think underneath, I fear feeling sad all the time.
Weed has definitely been a huge coping mechanism. When Matthew got diagnosed with cancer, one of my best friends got diagnosed, and so did my dad. It was a trifecta all in the same month.
I was also at the end of my relationship with the guy I thought was going to be my life partner. I knew I was not going to be able to hang on for much longer, so I had been smoking quite a bit to deal with the impending demise of that relationship.
Smoking weed was a way to shut my brain off a little bit. I wanted to be mellow, I wanted a neutrality. Or I wanted to laugh because I felt like I wasn't ever going to really laugh again. Weed has helped me feel like I can still have fun and function.
But I’m trying to back off the weed now. Because I know I’m just running from feelings that are inevitable and aren't going away.”
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