A MENTAL HEALTH STORYTELLING SERIES
“I had this preconceived notion that I was going to do grief really, really, well. That I was going to be The Best Griever.
And it was going to be cathartic and beautiful, and I was going to come through with sunshine and lollipops, and help other people heal, and help myself heal, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That has not happened.
The grieving process feels like you're in this pit that you’re stuck in and not getting out of. It’s like quicksand.
In the immediate time after Matthew’s death, I was in caretaker mode AND I was grieving. I was crying every day. But I was really trying to make sure everyone was okay.
I’m always the one who smiles and laughs with everyone. I try to make places better than I found them. That was really hard to do after Matthew died. I just couldn't do it.
That first week I had to go to Target. The cashier was having a bad day and wanted to talk, and I could not talk. It was one of those moments where I felt like, ‘I just I don't want to smile and play nice right now. I just want to check out. Just let me check out.’
I was still very polite, but I was visibly upset. Just very stoic. I could see the cashier get frustrated by me not being friendly. As a people pleaser and someone who likes to make others feel good, it was such a surreal moment.
I’m always the ultimate hype woman. I know how to induce joy, and I thrive on that shit. That's been my gift to the world for a long time.
So after Matthew’s death, I was like, ‘What happens now? Who am I now, if I'm not the joy bringer?’”
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