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“Billy Baldwin had released two movies back to back: he had a little indie film called ‘Three Of Hearts’ and a big movie called ‘Sliver.’ They both happened to come out in the theater within a few weeks of each other. By the end of 'Three Of Hearts' I was sobbing my face off. And there was a scene in ‘Sliver’ where he’s at the gym and he’s on all fours talking to Sharon Stone, and he’s kicking his leg up in the air. I just remember having this jolt of electricity. It’s obvious now what it was. But at the time, I had never had a male role model, so I thought maybe this is what it’s like to have a male role model. I dyed my hair dark brown to be like Billy Baldwin’s, I got a gym membership so I could work out on that same machine, I got the hair brush he was using in ‘Three of Hearts.’ I would go see ‘Sliver’ one night and ‘Three of Hearts’ the next -- alternating each day – for a few weeks in a row.

I was nineteen. Looking back, it’s so obvious I was gay. But at the time, to me, I wasn’t. I didn’t know I wanted to make out with him. When I’m looking at his hairy chest, I’m not thinking ‘Oh my gosh I’d like to lay my head on that.’ Instead I’m thinking ‘Is MY chest hair going to grow in?’

When you’re dealing with somebody who’s in the closet, just because it’s obvious to everyone else, it’s not obvious to that person.

I had a girlfriend. And she had this friend who was like, ‘You’re gay. Your boyfriend’s gay. You just need to know that he’s gay. And he’s probably gonna go home tonight and fuck you even harder just to prove me wrong, but you should just know he’s gay.’ And I went home and that’s exactly what I did.”


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